The Trust Fall: When You No Longer Know What to Pray For

Did you ever play a game at school called the Trust Fall? It’s a playground game in which a child stands within a ring of children and is encouraged to allow themselves to fall backwards, thereby testing their belief in whether they will be caught or not.

This game, which is now sometimes used as part of corporate team building, was really big when I was in middle school and I remember on more than one occasion finding out that my trust was misplaced as I toppled backwards unsupported onto the concrete playground floor. But on other occasions though I felt the arms of friendship catch me and guide me gently to the ground. I think the main lesson I learnt from the whole exercise was be careful who you trust! I was reminded of this childhood game today as I prayed.

The last couple of months have not been the easiest in my life. After each chemotherapy cycle I have ended up in the Accident & Emergency Department at my local hospital and twice been admitted for quite lengthy stays and painful procedures. With each cycle I have become progressively weaker with any apparent explanation for why I keep on experiencing such complications – until now.

Last week I finally got to speak to a consultant who has now identified a serious underlying condition which predates chemotherapy, which landed me in hospital two months before I was even aware of the cancer.

What is not clear yet is the cause of this condition and my oncologist is now trying to decide whether it is safe to continue my chemotherapy treatment, or whether to move to surgery and investigation of this other problem (a move I am not keen on given that I already know that I have an aggressive breast cancer). The picture is very complicated indeed and this morning I no longer have any idea what on earth to pray for. There are no obvious solutions and I don’t understand enough medically to be able to pray for anything specific.

When words fail

Instead this morning I find that words fail me. And instead I turn to Encounter Prayer. I have written about this form of prayer, which I was introduced to by the Christian Healing Mission, in a previous blog.Basically, Encounter Prayer is about resting in God’s presence and asking yourself where Jesus is for you now. For some the sense of presence can be quite a physical, for others visual or some just others just a sense of peace – but the experience can be very powerful.

This morning, in the stillness, I felt a profound sense that Jesus was standing behind me. And in his presence, I gave myself to God, handing over the mess of what is going on in my body over to him, comforted by the thought that he knows what is best for my life – whether this latest problem is serious enough to stop chemo, whether I will come through this dual health challenge.

I found myself saying ‘Lord, I just don’t know, but I also know that I don’t need to know. I am just going to hand all this over to you. You know what is best in a way that I never can, so I place my whole life in your hands and today my prayer is “Thy Will be Done”’

And I prayed this it was as if he was saying ‘trust in me’, his arms held out to catch me as in the Trust Fall game. And from my seated position, like a child in the playground, I allowed myself to fall back into his loving embrace (and a pile of cushions). It was a wonderful feeling of letting go, release and rest.

Sometimes we reach a place in life when things are so complicated we no longer know what to pray for. We struggle to know what supplications to make God on our own behalf, or on behalf of others – this is particularly true when it comes to healing.

Certainly my own situation is far too complex for me to fully understand - I am not a doctor. But what I realised today I don’t need to be – I don’t need to understand every medical nuance and to be able to pray for specific outcomes or procedures.

This isn’t a renunciation of responsibility. I certainly make sure that I know enough to ask all the right questions when I go to meet with medics, but what I don’t need to have is all the answers.

When we pray, we are reaching out to one who created every particle, atom, cell and organ in my bodies.

‘For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place,
when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
Your eyes saw my unformed body;
all the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be. (Psalm 139: 13-16)

It was His extraordinary imagination that developed life in all its complexity. He knows the answer – and this is something I can trust in.

Former Chief of Staff of Humana Medical City Dallas, Larry Dossey M.D has undertaken an extensive survey of laboratory research into the effectiveness of healing prayer carried out around the world. The results of these experiments, on everything from cancer tumours to bacteria, are published in his fascinating book Healing Words: The Power of Prayer and the Practice of Medicine. The findings are extraordinary and challenge not only conventional ideas about Western medicine but also the dominant approach to healing prayer. What Dossey found what that non-directive ‘Thy Will be Done’ prayers – or simply adopting an attitude of prayerfulness - seems to be just as effective - or even more effective – than the kind of directive prayers for specific outcomes that we are more familiar with. Trust it seems lies at the core of healing.

Perhaps when faced with the complexity of our own bodies, and medical diagnoses, perhaps we need to just be willing to let go of the need to be in control and to trust God to catch us and to do what is best for us.

Kate Nicholas is a preacher, Christian author, broadcaster and consultant. Her best-selling memoir Sea Changed (shortlisted as Christian Biography of the Year 2017) is an account of her unconventional journey of faith and previous healing from advanced cancer.

Kate has gone on to share her message of hope through her TV series on premiere Christian TV channel TBN Living a Transformed Life , speaking events, online courses and bible studies including Sea Changed: A Companion Guide for individuals and groups which helps people to see how God uses all the circumstances of their lives to transform them.

Her latest book, Soul’s Scribe: Connecting Your Story With God’s Narrative , draws on scripture, philosophy, psychology and over 20 years’ of reflection as a Christian communicator to take you on a journey through the various chapters of your soul story, providing you with the tools to share that story in a way that will inspire and encourage others.

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Photo with permission of istock