Being Pruned - Physically and Spiritually

Yesterday I met with my surgeon to discuss the next steps in my cancer treatment.

It now seems likely that I will be having a double mastectomy which will be split into two parts; the first operation being at the end of September, four weeks after my last chemotherapy treatment. (My surgeon is concerned about putting me through the larger bilateral operation right now given how weakened by body is by chemotherapy and the complications that I have experienced). The second operation is likely to be in 2022 along with potential surgery to deal with the second condition that has caused all the complications.

There’s also the potential for additional breast reconstruction surgery but, while I would never say never, right now I find it very hard to imagine putting my battered body through the additional 10+ hours required on the operating table. In fact, I told my husband I would prefer to ‘live flat’ and stick a pair of socks down my bra on special occasions!

A mastectomy, whether single or double, cuts into the very sense of a woman’s identity. I’ve never regarded myself as particularly feminine and my darling husband has reassured me that he really doesn’t care what they cut off me as he simply wants me to be alive. But as I contemplate the journey ahead I must admit I do feel a sense of loss.

I keep on telling myself that it isn’t as if I am losing an arm or a leg. The loss of one or both breasts isn’t going to disable me - but at the moment I still feel as if I am being pruned by God.

John Chapter 15 records Jesus telling the disciples that God ‘ cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful .’ (v 2).

It is very famous passage, but one that many Christians find hard to embrace – because let’s face it pruning is a fairly brutal business.

When I was a child, I remember my mother pruning the rose bushes in our garden at Larkland to the point where they looked stunted, decapitated and mutilated. In the winter, the mangled limbs that pierced the snow appeared almost dead, It seemed hard to imagine that one day they would burst again into glorious bloom, petal upon petal, their fragrance filling the air.

I have been thinking about this passage as try to get my head around the reality that many other women have had to face as part of their breast cancer journey. And there have been moments when I have felt daunted by the full enormity of what lies ahead. This process of pruning my body, the cutting away of cancerous flesh in order to ensure the continuation of life, seems overwhelming. And like all serious pruning, I know it is going to hurt.

But at the same time, I also feel as if I am being spiritually pruned. In my weaker moments, I confess to having asked why I have to go through cancer for second time. When against all odds I survived stage IV cancer, I remember getting down on my knees and consecrating myself to God in gratitude.

During that illness, I kept on being given a passage from Psalm 118 ‘ I will not die, but will live and declare the works of the Lord .’( v. 17) and I have since made this the mission of my life – as a preacher, writer, speaker and broadcaster. You can’t shut me up about the works of the Lord! And in my darker moments, I have asked him ‘Where did I go wrong? Didn’t I do enough? Am I being punished for something?’

But as this passage from John 15 makes clear, God doesn’t bother pruning branches that don’t bear fruit – that are no longer part of the vine. Jesus said: ‘I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing. If you do not remain in me, you are like a branch that is thrown away and withers; such branches are picked up, thrown into the fire and burned.’ (john 15:5-6)

God doesn’t bother wielding his divine secateurs on those who are not of Him. And it is only those branches that have the potential to bear fruit who he takes the trouble to prune.

Pruning may hurt like hell but it isn’t a punishment, it is a sign of God’s love for us. In order for us to flourish, God has to cut away those parts of our lives that are spiritually dead - the dead flesh – otherwise rot will set in and spread to other parts of our lives like a cancer.

I am not yet sure what the result of this pruning – both physical and spiritual – will be. I am hopeful that will emerge as I travel on this journey. But I do know that God will use this time in some profound way to his purpose. Which is what makes it possible to not only bear but appreciate the process of being pruned.

Kate Nicholas is a preacher, Christian author and broadcaster. Her best-selling memoir Sea Changed (shortlisted as Christian Biography of the Year 2017) is an account of her unconventional journey of faith and previous healing from advanced cancer.

Kate has gone on to share her message of hope through her TV series on premiere Christian TV channel TBN Living a Transformed Life , speaking events, online courses and Bible studies including Sea Changed: A Companion Guide for individuals and groups which helps people to see how God uses all the circumstances of their lives to transform them.

Her latest book, Soul’s Scribe: Connecting Your Story With God’s Narrative , draws on scripture, philosophy, psychology and over 20 years’ of reflection as a Christian communicator to take you on a journey through the various chapters of your soul story, providing you with the tools to share that story in a way that will inspire and encourage others.

Her books are widely available at Christian bookstores and online sites including eden.co.uk, Aslan Christian Books, Waterstones and Amazon worldwide.

Subscribe to Kate’s blog to follow her latest healing journey.