Wrestling with God's call

After a period of intense prayer and some angst, I have made the very difficult decision not to take up my place for training at Ripon College Cuddesden in a couple of weeks’ time.

It is important to say that my calling to serve in the Church remains undiminished and my faith in Christ is still driving force of my life. But over the past couple of months a whole range of factors and have converged, bring me to a standstill and forcing me to look again at the nature of that calling.

This has been far from an easy process. I thought I know what God wanted me to do with the rest of my life, and I have felt great comfort in this certainty. But at the eleventh hour, God has stopped me in my tracks and forced me to listen to him anew. And after a great deal of prayer and reflection, I am now coming to terms with the fact that my desire to train for ordination may have been a misplaced response to God’s mercy in healing me from advanced cancer.

Looking back I can see that, when against all odds I was healed, I was so grateful that I think I would have joined a convent,if I could as a gesture of gratitude! But as I couldn’t really become a nun, being a priest seemed to be the most wholehearted commitment I could make. But what God actually said to me was ‘I will not die but will live and declare the works of the Lord’ (Psalm 118:17). He has planted in my heart a passion for preaching, teaching and evangelism – and for this you do not have to be ordained.

The Diocese is being wonderfully supportive and has given me time to reflect afresh on exactly what that call looks like, and whether it might be better fulfilled by deepening and broadening my lay ministry. So I now ‘sail in uncharted waters’, as I seek his guidance anew as to how I might use the life he has restored to me to his glory.

Prayers appreciated!