The Black Dog: 'Why Are You So Downcast, O My Soul?'
Why are you so downcast, o my soul?’ (Psalm 42.5) - words written so many hundreds of years ago that still resonate with so many today; words that I’ve asked myself over the last couple of weeks.
Rationally, I should not be downcast. I am now moving onto the next stage of my cancer treatment. This week I have begun 12 months of three weekly cycles of Herceptin and Pertuzumab, the ‘wonder’ bio-targeted treatments designed to tackle aggressive HER2 cancer. I am so blessed to have access to these amazing drugs which hugely improve your chances of surviving this particular type of cancer.
Moreover I have now completed the cycles of the brutal chemotherapy treatment that has laid me so low – and landed me in hospital a few times over the summer - but which has been highly successful in shrinking down the tumours. In fact one of the three malignancies has gone completely. Praise the Lord.
I am also about to have surgery on the 5th of October which will hopefully remove cancer from my body completely. And even if cancer cells are detected in my lymph nodes there is radiotherapy on hand.
I still feel a profound sense of fatigue that built over time (the effects of chemotherapy or cumulative and last for about 6 months after treatment finish), but I have much to be glad about.
God has been so good to me. I believe his promise he that has plans to give me ‘hope and a future’ (Jer. 29:11) and I am trusting him that I will beat the odds for a second time. There is so much to be profoundly thankful for. So why does my soul feel so downcast within me?
I don’t have an easy answer for this. But that is an experience that those who suffer from depression will be no doubt be familiar with. Our mental health doesn’t always mirror our circumstances.
I have been lucky. My father suffered from what was once called manic depression (now known as bipolar) and I could easily have inherited this condition, but I did not, thank the Lord. However I have had times in my life when I have been visited what my father used to call the ‘black dog’.
It seems to come out of nowhere like a shadow that blocks out the sun. Sometimes there’s an incident that triggers this melancholy, but on other occasions it seems to come with its own volition, and leaves you feeling emotions that seem out of step with one’s circumstances.
At times like these I usually focus on counting my blessings, but unfortunately as most people with depression will tell you, this doesn’t always help. In fact it can be about as helpful as being told to ‘buck up’.
The reality is that it’s possible to be profoundly grateful all the things that God has blessed you with - family, love, security, health - but still feel this sense of ennui.
Perhaps one of the most helpful things is to realise that we are far from alone. One of the only positives to have come out of the Covid crisis has been a wider recognition of the importance and the fragility of mental health. It is also not a new phenomenon. Although the Bible doesn’t use the word depression there are various figures who are described as ‘downcast’, ‘broken-hearted’, ‘troubled’, ‘despairing’, ‘miserable’.
Jonah for example said he was ‘ angry enough to die ’ (Jonah 4:9), Elijah cried ‘I have had enough Lord, he said. Take my life’ (I Kings 19:4) , and Jeremiah lamented ‘Cursed be the day I was born…why did I ever come out of the womb to see trouble and sorrow and to end my days in shame? (Jer. 20:14) - to name a few. And of course David’s own honesty about his anguish in the Psalms has helped millions over the centuries. Even Jesus when facing the hour of his death admitted to his disciples, 'My soul is deeply grieved to the point of death’. (Mark 14:34) .
David’s approach was to praise the Lord at all times, for praise to continually be in his mouth (Psalm 34:1) and is true that shifting the focus of our attention away from ourselves and onto the majesty, power, mercy, compassion and love of God can help
The Apostle Paul also tells us to ‘ Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you ’ (Thes.5:16-18). But even Paul had his moments of distress and depression recorded in his second letter to the church in Corinth where he writes that he ‘ despaired of life itself ’(1:8).
Perhaps the most important thing of all is to recognise is that faith is not about feelings. There may be times when our soul is downcast, when we feel alone and even that God has abandoned us, but this is not our reality.
Our feelings can fool us. But the reality is that he will never leave us. And he has plans to give us hope and a future.
Kate Nicholas is a preacher, Christian author, broadcaster and consultant. Her best-selling memoir Sea Changed (shortlisted as Christian Biography of the Year 2017) is an account of her unconventional journey of faith and previous healing from advanced cancer.
Her latest book, Soul’s Scribe: Connecting Your Story With God’s Narrative , draws on scripture, philosophy, psychology and over 20 years’ of reflection as a Christian communicator to take you on a journey through the various chapters of your soul story, providing you with the tools to share that story in a way that will inspire and encourage others.
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Photo by Heike Amthor on Unsplash