Learning To Live In The 'Already But Not Yet'

I am currently in a rather strange phase of my cancer journey. Following my surgery – and subsequent complications – I have now been told that the tumours have been cut from my body, while a biopsy has confirmed that, this time, the cancer had not made its way into my lymph nodes. Praise the Lord and thanks to the medics who are his hands and feet.

As you can imagine this is a massive relief. However, as this was the aggressive HER2 type of cancer, there is still quite a long road ahead in terms of treatment. Next week I begin radiotherapy and I will continue to go to the chemotherapy suite on a three weekly basis to receive the bio-targeted treatment Herceptin (Trastuzumab) until the end of summer 2022. So I find myself in an curious in-between state of ‘already but not yet’.

It should be a rather familiar position for a Christian to find themselves in; we are all already saved by Christ’s sacrifice but awaiting our final salvation upon his return – something we are reminded of during this time of Advent. And all of us have to learn to live out our lives in this in-between state of ‘already but not yet’, grateful for what we have already received while looking forward to what is to come.

I am so profoundly grateful for all that has been done for me. When I was first told that I had cancer again, I initially feared the worst. But once again God made me a promise – that he had plans to give me hope and a future (Jer 29:11) and he has been true to that promise. Now I am eager to get on with life, to put cancer behind me and make the most of that future, but going through treatment is an ever present reminder.

As anyone who has had a cancer diagnosis can tell you, once you have had cancer you have to learn to live with a metaphorical sword of Damocles hanging over your head. Cancer is both unpredictable and amazingly persistent, and once it has visited you there is always a chance that it will make another appearance.

But the reality is that life is fragile, and not just for cancer patients. And we all have to learn to make the most of this wonderful life we are given, despite its fragility. Let’s face it, If we really thought about it, few of us would ever make it beyond our front doors.

Don’t get me wrong. I am not advocating recklessness in the face of Covid (being in the clinically most vulnerable group I have been almost obsessive about following the rules!). Rather we need to embrace the fact that it is precisely because our life spans here on earth are limited that they are so very precious.

I can truly say that I have never felt so alive than when I thought my life might be coming to an end. Each moment spent with loved ones, and in the beauty of God’s creation, became a gift.

So perhaps learning to live again, is not about forgetting cancer and focusing on the future, but embracing the awareness that it brings of the sheer joy of being alive today.

Kate Nicholas is a preacher, Christian author and broadcaster. Her best-selling memoir Sea Changed ( shortlisted as Christian Biography of the Year 2017) is an account of her unconventional journey of faith and previous healing from advanced cancer.

Her latest book, Soul’s Scribe draws on scripture, philosophy, psychology and over 20 years’ of reflection as a Christian communicator to take you on a journey through the various chapters of your soul story, providing you with the tools to share that story in a way that will inspire and encourage others.

Subscribe to Kate’s blog to follow her journey