Full of Chemicals and Hope

And so the journey begins.

This is not a journey that I ever wanted to undertake again. I am driven by an explorer’s instinct, the need to always be searching out new lands and new experiences, rarely feeling the need to revisit places that I have already been, except in my memories. But it seems that there is a land that I must return to.

The last time I visited this land was six years ago when I was diagnosed with advanced inoperable breast cancer. What followed was a journey that transformed my body and soul. God miraculously ‘rescued my life from destruction’ (Ps. 103 v4), restored me and set me off on a new path - and I have never looked back except in gratitude and wonder.

At times I have almost felt a nostalgia for how closely God walked with me during my last cancer journey, but it is not a land I ever wanted to revisit. But here I am again – with chemicals and hope flowing through my body.

Today it seems that the world – or at least the UK – is opening again. The sun is warming, birds are chorusing and colour is returning to the land as flowers and people begin to blossom again. But while the rest of the world awakes, shakes off the dust of winter, and greets the day, mine is shutting down again. The chemicals that will safeguard my life, could also take it, and with a compromised immune system I am limited to the most basic of social interactions. I feel a distinct sense of déjà vu, which takes me back, not only to 2014 but also, to spring of 2020; when in fear of the ravaging virus we were forced to ‘be still and know that he is God’.(Psalm 46:10).

For the past few months I have been eagerly awaiting the time when I could travel again. During lockdown I kept my spirits up by planning research trips for my next book Seeking Amazing Grace: Following in the Footsteps of John Newton. My plans had already been delayed by twelve months due to Covid but now I am not sure when I will be able to travel physically again.

I could not have chosen a worse time to write what is essentially a spiritual travel book. But I am a traveller at heart, and I revel in exploring God’s earth and the great diversity of his creation and children. It may seem paradoxical but it is when I am in motion that I am best able to find that stillness necessary to really know Him. It the potent combination of the distance from the distractions of the everyday, the necessity of paring down your existence until it fits into backpack or bag, and the meditational rhythm of wheels on road or track that seem to enable me to see Him more clearly. So I have been eagerly anticipating this trip, treading in the footsteps of the man who so powerfully experienced God’s Amazing Grace. But it is not to be.

Instead today as I begin my cancer treatment, I embark on an inner journey. It is not an adventure that I would have chosen, but it is an adventure after all - a venture into the unknown. Like all true travellers I now sail uncharted waters and I don’t know the exact route that will be taken. I have an idea of the destination, the region that I am heading for, but the details will reveal themselves as I move forwards day by day.

The Celtic Christians consider all life as journey or pilgrimage. Many followed God’s command to Abraham in Gen 12:1 to physically leave their own place and to journey to a land that God would show them. My father would always tell me that I was ‘such a Celt’ referring to my Welsh and Irish heritage and I like to think it explains something of my spiritual wanderlust. But the real journey that was so important to the Celtic Christians was the inner one; a journey towards a true understanding of the self that dwells ‘in Christ’ and the Christ that ‘dwells in us’.

So in, imitation of my Celtic forefathers I now embark on this inner journey. And like any traveller worth their salt, I am keeping a travel journal, recording the landscapes that I pass through as well as the significant encounters with others and with God. As I travel I will share some of my observations here from time to time, and who knows in due course this may become another book. But wherever this journey leads me, I shall ‘take joy on the journey and the knowledge that I am being Sea Changed’.

To follow my journey subscribe to my blog at http://eepurl.com/dty7J1

Kate Nicholas is a preacher, Christian author and broadcaster. Her best-selling memoir Sea Changed (shortlisted as Christian Biography of the Year 2017) is an account of her unconventional journey of faith and previous healing from advanced cancer. Her books including the recently released Soul’s Scribe: Connecting Your Story with God’s Narrative are available at Christian bookstores and online at eden.co.uk, kooroong.com, Amazon worldwide. You can find out more about Kate’s cancer journey, books and TV show at www.katenicholas.co.uk .